Mourning Etiquette

Taken from Rachel Weeping
Mourning in Nineteenth Century America

Most of what were Victorian mourning traditions were carried over from the United Kingdom and parts of Europe. The traditions were brought here by immigrants and altered to suit the needs of American culture. Victorians also followed the mourning rituals and fashions established by Queen Victoria when her husband Prince Albert, died in 1861.  America’s publishers flooded the market with etiquette manuals in the nineteenth century, particularly for the newly merging Middle Class of the 1830’s. To behave in a genteel manner allowed one to move in more educated and cultural society.

– to know the rules and follow them helped make one accepted. A sampling of funeral and mourning etiquette from various manuals offer some of the “universal “ rules.

- Your dress should be black and your countenance sober and composed.

- When a family member is dead, it is customary to send letter of the misfortune to relations.

-Visits of condolence should only be made if you are close to the family, and a “calling” card should be left. Visits should not take place until the dead is buried.

- Prior to 1860, letters of invite to the funeral were handwritten and sent by messenger. (Printed invitations with black borders were also sent by messenger. After the Civil War, notices placed in newspapers were acceptable. By the 1870’s telegraphed notices were also proper.)

A man should always remove his hat in a house of mourning.  Funeral arrangements should be made by a relative or close friend.( By the 1880’s undertakers made most of the arrangements.) the family should remain secluded until the funeral service, and when condolence calls are made at the home, there should be a separate room for the family to reside in, away from those paying their respects. Flowers can be sent to the home in time for the funeral. Flowers should be white for the funeral, or in light colors. It is tasteful to arrange flowers for a child or young, unmarried girl in the shape of a wreath. Flowers in the shape of a cross are preferred for married persons.  When attending a funeral, always let the family attend first in the procession. Carriages of friends and business acquaintances come afterward.  Leave a family in peace to grieve following a funeral and return to your home or place of business, unless invited for a meal. ( Meals for the mourners were a carryover from the Colonial era, but in the Victorian era were provided more for workmen, servants, and business acquaintances, and family did not attend.

A Few Victorian Death Superstitions

Omens of Death
Ringing in the left ear means a death that day.
A bird in the house means a death in the family.
A black crow in your path means a death will take place.  Death comes in threes.

Old Mourning Traditions
Suicide - prior to 1860 , suicide victims were often buried at night. An old English superstition claimed that a suicide must be buried at a crossroads at midnight, to confuse the Devil and keep him from taking their soul.  Church Bells- bells were tolled for the dead to help keep evil spirits from interrupting the ascension of the soul to Heaven. Gargoyles on Churches served the same purpose of scaring off evil spirits. Lighted candles were believed to keep evil away, and drew angels and god spirits to the light.  Widows- a widow or lady in “widow’s weeds” (black crape) were considered bad luck at a wedding ceremony, abaptism, or a birth.

Heidi B Jackson
SC Chair, Keeper of the Rite
President, Ann Eliza Harllee Chapter #14